5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
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her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose