*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
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RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
thank god
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
This is Sparta
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.