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Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…