You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
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I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
liiiiiiiiike
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
you gotta be faster
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.