Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
work smarter, not harder
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.