“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
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My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
my first day as a raccoon
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t