God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
You Might Also Like
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Ron is short for Aaronald
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Is your wife single?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.