Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.