I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
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I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.