Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
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I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.