I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
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seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus