The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.