Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
You Might Also Like
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
*looks at you in batman voice*
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
notice
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Some people were born into their job.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman