Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
If I ignore life will it go away?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…