3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
You Might Also Like
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.