The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
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wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
The cashier just checked me out.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.