Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
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MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?