A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Haha good job!!
Just me?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea