me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
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I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.