My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
You have been warned.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞