*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
You Might Also Like
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no