Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
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I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.