Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
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The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.