Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
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I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Monday
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?