Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
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Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
The glockness monster
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man