Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
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[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…