“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.