Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
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a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Nose
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat