*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
This is a true ally.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.