According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
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The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Yup
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly