[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
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“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
thank god
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides