*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
yeet
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower