guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
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No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there