Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
You Might Also Like
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
My blood type is b hungry.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.