Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage