The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
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For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.