me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
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“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney