[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
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Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
How to find Kentucky on a map
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf