I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
You Might Also Like
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.