My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
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When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
12. I think about this all the damn time
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.