[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
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The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
*skinny dips into black hole
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”