me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
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WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
They’re on their honeymoon