I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.