Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
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For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Oh, I bet you would be
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems