REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
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Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.