Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
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Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.