Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
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Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..