I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
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Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Mornin. * use accordingly
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…