4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
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9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.