[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
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Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
listen closely
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity